People are often looking for strategies on how to deal with difficult co-workers. On average, we spend about eight hours working closely with people we did not necessarily invite into our close circle. As adults, we chose people that we want to spend time with. Our friends, partners, chosen family, etc.... In a lot of cases, like our parents, we can't choose our colleagues. And just as with parents, sometimes we draw the short straw.
There is not a single, unifying term or definition outlining what constitutes a difficult colleague. Some co-workers display the most troublesome of atypical behavior related to addiction, anxiety disorder, personality disorder, or cognitive impairment. Sometimes they will end up in the mental health care system. This to say that difficult behavior at the work floor can indicate an underlying mental problem which managers and team leaders can rarely detect because of a lack of knowledge.
Other co-workers display a lower level of atypical behavior yet not less disrupting. Their personal conduct may potentially affect the company negatively and possible actions include verbal outbursts as well as passive activities such as refusing to perform assigned tasks or quietly exhibiting uncooperative behavior during day-to-day activities. Passive-aggressive behavior is very common and manifests in different versions of agreeing to do something and not doing it.
Difficult behavior in the workplace strains team dynamics, damages workplace morale and is often the cause for burnout and depression in colleagues who have to hold and manage the obstructive behavior. Research supports the idea that colleagues act uncooperative or flat out mean when their ego is threatened and often the targets are people who are skilled and well-liked because they pose the threat. If you conclude that your colleague is indeed the problem and you have tried strategies like empathy, understanding, cooperation, inclusion, and/or reasoning with no avail, you can try the following:
Take positive action We can't change or control what other people do, but we can control our response to it. With mindfulness, we can make a more informed decision in terms of not reacting (often a good response, especially when dealing with a person with narcissistic tendencies because they thrive when getting attention) or a possible 'smart reaction'. By all means, stay away from automatic reactions because they are usually triggered by strong emotions and/or a stress-response and often add to the problem rather than solving it.
Take responsibility for how you feel Saying that your colleague makes you feel bad or drives you crazy communicates that your co-workers dictate your emotions. It's better to see and accept that you are in charge of managing your emotions.
Stand up for yourself
Taking a step back and deciding not to react can be helpful in some situations. However, professional misconduct has to be called out when it happens. Whether it affects you personally or it affects the workflow (it's usually both). Communicate that you don't leave space for undermining or sabotaging behavior. Send a clear message when it happens that says: "Do not mess with me, I won't allow it."
Take care of your personal space
Are you thinking about a difficult co-worker after work? Are you ventilating to your partner or thinking about what is going to happen on Monday when you start working again? Then it's time to set new boundaries. Don't allow co-workers to invade your personal space. If you notice your mind drifts off to your colleague, change the channel. Direct your attention to what is going on at home, plan a trip, read a book... Use mindfulness meditation to re-center and re-focus.
Ask for help We all have a need for affiliation. Look for mentors, teachers, and advocators at work. Talk with them and see what they can do to help. Maybe they can bring another perspective or talk on your behalf. If you find yourself in a work environment where such people are not existing and the policy is one of evasiveness, lack of transparency, and ignorance for difficulties as long as performance is seemingly not affected, you can escalate the problem to HR.
Don't become a victim (and don't do more) Some co-workers go through great lengths in order not to work. They are often on sick leave or they try to push their work on other people. I recently listened to a story about a colleague who had been in sick leave for almost three months, then had technical issues due to which he did not work for an additional week and then complained when a task was assigned to him after the technical issue had been resolved. Don't try to solve problems like these by working more in order to handle the extra workload because then the issue of the unproductive co-worker will not be addressed by management AND you will burn-out faster than you can imagine because of the strain of the higher workload.
One last piece of advice. You are under no obligation to like your co-workers. A professional relationship is different from a personal one and the whole point of such a relationship is to work efficiently without having to deal with personal egos. A company often has guidelines and regulations on how to develop and maintain professional conduct and when these are followed it should be enough to get the job done in a constructive and respectful manner.
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